:: I wanna be Beth Gibbons ::
I don't think I would have been able to get through this whole week as stable as this without the support of people.

Anyway, my scope was pretty horrible. I don't think I wanna go through another of that anytime soon. It was bad enough that the nurse couldn't get the needle to get through my vein, so she kept poking till I was almost bruised. She decided then to try another spot just slightly above my wrist (where the bone is), so she warned me it's gonna hurt more than the earlier one...and you bet it did.

When I entered the scope room, I lay on my side, and the nurse just opened my mouth and told me to swallow something she poured in, so I did. She poured in another dosage of I-dunno-what, and told me not to swallow, so I kept it at the back of my throat, and it made my whole mouth numb. The doctor then put in some sedatives in my plug, and I was told to swallow the liquid and go to sleep...bad thing is, I didn't really fall asleep fast enough to not know what's going on. I was just, well, -dazed. So, they put through this thick black tube in, and it was so uncomfortable that I thought I was choking, so I actually held on to the tube to adjust it. But the nurse told me to stop doing that, and told me to go to sleep.

I didn't know why, but I just shut my eyes cos it was so darn uncomfortable that tears just started rolling. The last thing I remembered seeing was the saliva soaked tube out of my mouth, and I just passed out after that. I woke up an hour later in a ward filled with sleeping people, so the nurse asked me if I would like some hot drink and bread. I've never felt so tired.

That's the sucky thing...I mean, at the point I woke up, the whole procedure seemed so surreal, -it just felt like it never happened. The whole thing seemed really vague to memory. I guess that's what happened to most mothers. They were given sedatives during labor when they're in such great pain, but then when they finally snap out of the ordeal, they actually kinda forgot what the pain really was like.

I really gotta start takin care of myself. I'm still young. The scope is such a small thing compared to those bigger procedures, and I already think I couldn't really handle it. I hate hospitals, I really do.

This has been a really fucted up week, besides having the scope. I can't really explain it, but it's been crap. But you know what, it'll get better. I'll psyche myself up for that. I thank Farah, Hida, Fad, Im, for they have contributed in some way or another in lifting up my spirits. And my parents. And God.

'Cause this life is a farce,
I can't breathe through this mask,
Like a fool
So breathe on, little sister, breathe on,
Oh, so breathe on, little sister, like a fool
- Portishead